imagine a horror movie where you’re trapped in your house with a serial killer but all your lights are clappers
so you’re running for your life from this psychopath while both of you are just aggressively clapping the lights on and off
SAM AND DEAN AS DISAPPOINTED PARENTS OMG
Dean’s face. Oh my god. Disappointed Dad Dean is my new favorite Dean.
I’m as excited for Maleficent as the next person, but I’m kind of over the evil-queen-is-misunderstood thing.
I want a story about an evil queen who is evil.
Seriously evil. She’s eating kids and throwing puppies off cliffs and parking in handicap spots and whatever other evil things she feels like doing. She lives in her evil castle with her evil minions planning her week around the evil deeds she’s gonna do in the villages below the mountain on which her evil castle stands. The villagers live in terror of her. The neighboring kingdom’s prince rode out to stop her wicked tyranny, but she turned his 6’2”-tall-and-handsome ass into a roll of toilet paper and uses him to wipe her butt every morning. Evil toilet paper. She invited the princess he was going to marry to join her and become her right-hand. Her evil right hand. Which the princess totally did.
Yup. Evil. Life is awesome.
And then one day there’s a dragon.
This dragon climbs down the mountain and begins turning the villages into a desolate plain of despair—so basically the same, except everything’s also on fire.
Normally the evil queen is all about that, because dragons, heck yeah. But on its way down to the villages the dragon trampled her evil vegetable garden, and that shit can’t stand. Her evil tomatoes were going to win her first prize at the Twenty-Third Annual Villains Gardening Competition this year, and now that’s out the window. Goddamn it.
So she comes down from her evil mountain and slays the stupid beast in a great battle. When the dust clears and the villagers see who killed the dragon, they hail her as a savior.
Which, uh, nope. Evil queen here. You’re all gonna die.
But they won’t listen, assuring her that her many evil deeds were how she dealt with growing up a misunderstood magic-user, and she’s like, uh, I’m still planning on climbing in yo windows and snatchin’ yo people up, and they’re like WE’LL HAVE A FLOWER PARTY EVERY SPRING TO COMMEMORATE YOU, OUR GLORIOUS AND KIND QUEEN, and she has no idea where everything went so wrong.
It’s really weird trying to explain the differences between Catholicism and other branches of Christianity to people who aren’t religious because it ultimately ends up, “Well this is Catholic, this is Catholic classic, this is Catholic-lite, this is diet Catholic, this is new taste less calories not as popular Catholic, and this is I can’t believe it’s not Catholic.”
where oh where could this thousands of years old relic from a supernatural plane of existence be!
it’s in the continental US.